Interlude: Becoming a Blue Robot

A Definitive Guide

The first thing that you’d need to do in order to become a Blue Robot is to learn Godot Engine, of course. Take some time to learn GDScript, create prototypes, funny projects, and generally experiment with the engine. It should only take you a couple of weeks to master the basics of game development with Godot.

Join Godot community channels. Introduce yourself there. You’ll quickly get bombarded with love from Godot moderators and other users there. Tell them that you’re new to Godot and say that it’s awesome! Post your progress at #showcase channels. This way, you’re going to let the community know that you’re seriously interested in using Godot for your projects. Start helping people to solve their programming or design tasks with Godot and recommend Godot to others. It’s important to get noticed by Godot developers at this point.

Go to Godot contributors chat and join the #new-contributors channel. This channel is created specifically to invite new contributors to let them work on the engine’s codebase, and not only. Again, say out loud that “Godot is awesome!” and ask what you can do in order to help Godot. You’ll likely get a response from Godot’s project manager, Rémi, and he will give you further instructions on how to proceed. Be polite: say “Thanks!” and do exactly what he says.

Fortunately, Godot has enough bugs to be fixed. So at this point, it’s a good time to visit Godot’s repository. Make sure to star Godot! Create pull requests to fix bugs, or write documentation even if you don’t really know how a feature works, you’ll figure out in the process! Triage bug reports to get maintainer privileges quicker.

Always use “Godot Improvement Proposals” for suggesting new features in Godot. But do not create proposals for something you want yourself, you don’t want to look selfish, right? Remember: you’re no longer some pesky user, you’re a developer now! Look for what users want instead, and propose to implement existing proposals to satisfy user requests. But please, for the love of Godot, do not propose to change Godot’s icon, they hate this!

Your success at this point is not necessarily determined by your level of programming expertise. You can either become an advisor or a core developer. It’s crucially important not to show any signs of so-called “troublemaking attitude” when you speak to Godot developers. Do not speak like an “asshole” there. Godot does not tolerate any kind of criticism. Always say that Godot is the engine you’ve been waiting for, and that commercial engines suck because they want people to pay royalties or subscription fee. Capitalism is boo. Donate and be happy!

Do not even think to talk negatively about Godot, anywhere, under any circumstance, period. Even if you think that you have something constructive to say, in most likelihood you’ll regret it. Even if you think that it was a joke. Godot core developers may interpret criticism as “insinuations” or “passive-aggressiveness”. Therefore, I advice against speaking out in Godot unless it’s for the benefit of promoting Godot, of course.

Always show that you share Godot’s vision and development philosophy, even if you have absolutely no clue what exactly that vision or philosophy represent in Godot. Due to this, you have to get inspired by what leaders of Godot say, specifically Juan, the lead developer of Godot, and repeat after them.

Do not miss a single opportunity to say nice things about Juan and Rémi for the work that they do in Godot. They really enjoy flattery! Whenever Juan makes a new feature in Godot, say: “Nice!”, and don’t forget to give out a lot of positive emojis, such as these: 👍 🎉 ❤ 👀. Do not miss Juan’s birthdays! Call him “Alpaca!” Very important! Say that you sympathize Rémi for spending so much time merging PRs all day long, and call him “Akimerge!”

Again, being a professional programmer is not necessary in Godot. Just be extremely welcoming to newcomers, spend eight hours a day helping others. At some point you’ll either receive moderator or maintainer privileges in Godot for all the hard work!

If you somehow mess up, you may receive angry private messages, either from Juan or Rémi. If this happens, say that you’re really sorry and promise not to say or do anything wrong in the future. They will show you Godot’s Code of Conduct and you should say: “Yes!”

If you have money to spend, you should consider donating to Godot. You’ll become The Boss so that you can pick the next proposal you want to see implemented out of all existing proposals written by mere mortals. Remember: regular thumb-ups do not determine anything. And of course, if you pay lots of money, they can even forgive your “troublemaking attitude”. Just look at Yuri and you’ll get what I mean.

Speaking of Yuri, I advise to avoid talking to him at all cost. He’s a maintainer in Godot, and he’s very stubborn, oftentimes goes on lengthy rants to prove you wrong, or say that you shouldn’t “spread misinformation about Godot” even if you repeat after the leaders. There exist rumors that Yuri is becoming a true role model for both Juan and Rémi. No wonder, he’s literally a Russian Warrior!

I cannot emphasize this enough: even if you notice some core developers talking non-sense, you should not say that they are mistaken. If you really think that you should point them this out, I’d suggest taking these matters on private channels at least. But honestly, you should learn to stop paying attention to their mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes! If they say or do something wrong, it’s only your fault that you call them out. This might be just a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, they definitely do no harm!

Given that you follow everything written above, eventually you should become a maintainer of Godot’s codebase and/or moderator of Godot communities. Generally speaking, you must be able not only maintain the codebase, but also the behavior of people in Godot community. For instance, if you’re a moderator, you should ban at least someone. You’ll get an opportunity to ban every year! Don’t worry, you may think that those are just people, but in reality those are just usernames.

If you know that there exist former members of Godot who have been permanently banned from Godot community, use their stories against them and make scapegoats out of them. Label them as biased, one-sided, and angry. Keep telling everyone that they are on a personal crusade, their criticisms of Godot are driven by a thirst for revenge, and that their actions are done in bad faith. Tell them that they need professional help even if you’re not a mental health expert. Remember: labeling someone insane does not breach Godot’s Code of Misconduct. Treat it merely as a guideline that can be flexibly disregarded with the mighty power of the ultimate ban hammer! Simultaneously, act politely and extremely welcoming to newcomers. Get preoccupied with bringing in new members to Godot by preaching the gospel of Godot. Keep telling that Godot is unique and innovative. Demonize outsiders, especially capitalists.

In short, you should do everything Juan and Rémi do, and attempt to replicate their behavior. This is the only definite way to become an excellent Blue Robot. The rule of thumb is simple: never question the decisions, always comply, block all criticism. Oh, and don’t forget to get Blue Robot merchandise if you want to be accepted into the inner circle of the most trusted Blue Robots!

But if you have conscience, you may start to feel sick. This symptom may be a byproduct of the condition called godotitis, a case of Godot addiction. If this happens, then you’ll be presented with two binary choices. But this is a trick! Do not pick anything! Think for yourself.

I hope you’ve figured that the above is a satirical piece!